


micheal distortion is a warrior cats roleplayer

by arcadelightning



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Gen, No Apocalypse AU, as well as typical distortiony bullshit, dad r u proud i wrote the haha funney, this may achieve sequeldom, tw for gore emetophobia and accidental cannibalism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-10
Updated: 2020-07-10
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:54:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25178752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arcadelightning/pseuds/arcadelightning
Summary: Statement of Celia Hall, regarding an interesting encounter with the Distortion.This is a No-Apocalypse AU because I Don't Care :).
Comments: 5
Kudos: 9





	micheal distortion is a warrior cats roleplayer

[A tape recorder clicks on.]

THE ARCHIVIST : [sighs] Statement of Celia Hall, regarding an... interesting... encounter with The Distortion. Original statement taken March 4th, 2020. Statement begins.

Do you know what LARPing is? It's like... tabletop roleplaying games. Except there's no tabletop. It's rather like playing pretend as a child. Another question. Have you heard of Warriors? It's a YA book series, about feral cats in the woods. They have leaders, and they fight and stuff, i think. I promise this is relevant to my story. It started with a new guy at my office. A janitor, I think. I never bothered to learn his name, but he was tall, maybe six foot eleven. He had this long, thick blonde hair, and he looked like a nice, normal guy. But appearances can be decieving. I noticed that he was... a bit odd. He shied away from mirrors and hung around doors, practically clinging to the frame as he talked. And then people started disappearing. First, janitors. Then people near my cubicle. Then my boss. Then, when I was leaving the bathroom, I disappeared. As I opened the door if changed into a wooden one, painted neon yellow. And on the inside, a hallway. Long and painted in hideous colours, the floor covered in bowling-alley carpet and the walls bedecked with mirrors. And the janitor was in there. Instead of his uniform, he wore a shirt that matched the carpet, khaki shorts and a jacket straight out of the Eighties. But he looked... wrong. His hair shifted and twisted and his face occasionally broke apart into shards of colour and shape. But his hands... eugh, they were awful! They were so long, the fingers reached to his calves, and they were tipped with painted claws. He laughed softly, and it sent splitting pain through my skull. He introduced himself as "Distortionstar of SpiralClan", and asked what my name was. I told him, and he seemed upset, and asked me what my "warrior name" was. I was thoroughly confused by this, and asked him what he meant. He just replied that if I wouldn't pick a name, then he would. He then lead me to a larger room, still just as hideous, and then went through some odd ceremony, and christened me "Hallwanderer". I was getting a bit scared now. He then said he was going hunting by himself and that he'd be back soon. So I was left alone, and wandered off. He found me, somehow, with a large lump of raw, bloody, meat. I didn't know where he got it from, or if he expected me to eat it. He did, saying he'd already fed. The way he looked at me made it clear that not eating was not an option. So I choked it down and tried my hardest to not puke. He seemed pleased, and patted me on the back, his fingers accidentally slicing me in the process. He said I was becoming a true warrior already. And then he told me to beware of a shorter person, a woman with brown skin and dark hair. He said she'd ruin the fun if I ran into her. I didn't know whether that meant she'd free me, or kill me, but it made me more afraid. He said we were going out on patrol next, and so I just lamely followed him through the halls, pretending I knew what patrol was and clutching my aching stomach, trying not to double over in pain. And then I heard angry shouts. A group of people was at the end of the hall. They were unarmed, but they looked furious. One yelled at "Distortionstar", demanding that he free them. He laughed that horrible earsplitting laugh again, which was probably a no. Another one, a man, charged at us. What was done to him... it was awful. As soon as he got within range, "Distortionstar" lashed out with one hand, his sharp fingers... he gutted the man, who ended up on the floor, trying desperately to put his organs back in him. And the smell. It smelled exactly like the meat I had been brought. At that point I bent over and puked on the floor. As "Distortionstar" was distracted by the group, I ran. I didn't get far before all the mirrors started showing him. He just kept laughing, with flecks of blood splattered all over his face, his sharp, neon-colored teeth bared. I kept running, my heart pounding. And then I saw a door. Without thinking, I ducked through it, and then I was standing in the street in front of your Archives. I went in, and well. You know the rest of the story from here, I suppose. So. That's my experience. If you can give me more information on that, that thing, please do. I need to know. Statement ends.

This is... disturbing, to say the least. It appears the being formerly known as Micheal Shelley is not as dead as I thought. This-

[A door creaks.]

[The sound of a wheeled office chair spinning around very fast.]

MICHEAL : Hello, Archivistgaze. It's been a while, hasn't it?

THE ARCHIVIST : [disgusted] Hello, Micheal. Or is it "Distortionstar" now?

MICHEAL : Oh, don't be like that, Archivistgaze! Distortionstar is simply my warrior name! 

THE ARCHIVIST : So. Helen's gone, then? That's how it works, right?

[A door creaks again.]

HELEN : Hello there, Jon. Don't mind Micheal. He discovered a new book series and decided roleplaying was the perfect way to torment victims.

THE ARCHIVIST : But- what- He's supposed to be-

MICHEAL : Oh, silly Archivistgaze, you can't kill me! I was simply... Banished. For a while.

HELEN : It was supposed to kill you. How you survived is anybody's guess.

MICHEAL : Well, that's my sexy little secret.

THE ARCHIVIST : Ugh, you two are giving me a headache. If you have to stick around, can you at least cut the roleplaying.

MICHEAL : Oh, fine, I'll play by your rules for once, Archivist. After all, Helen's only here to drop me off! I'll be staying for a while!

JON : What? What does that mean?

MICHEAL : Oh, Archivist... I was never fired! I still work here!

[There is a scream of frustration and the sound of a book being thrown.]

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote the haha funney joke on the interwebs  
> inspired by an injoke from a warrior cats roleplay server i'm in


End file.
